If you don't believe me, ask. Some will answer honestly and others, well, not so much. Either way, the sheepish looks and nondescript answers will blow your mind. Should they try to distract you with a bogus anti-porn stand, keep an eagle eye for their tell. Itchy nose? Leg that needs rubbing? Check under the mattress. They're lying.

Predictably, they'll excuse their apelike behavior with choice words plucked from the likes of Men are from Mars . . .:

"It's a biological thing."
"We're visual. You're not."
"Men and women are different."

But all of this porn talk gets me to thinking (another difference between men and women). If men get their proverbial rocks off with heavy-breather videos and full-page spreads of shaved, air-brushed, plasticized women in precarious poses, what do women read and watch to turn on?

ROMANCE NOVELS
"His open shirt revealed a muscular chest covered with crisp brown hair," "the living moistness of her full, red mouth," "she felt a curious swooping pull at her innards," "she admired his driving intelligence," "his large hand took her face and held it gently." ... Wet yet?

I pulled these steamy bits from actual novels containing heroes who are typically stubborn and large in stature (often inviting phallic tree-trunk comparisons), and heroines who are slight, determined, and feisty (a perfect hostess and a perfect whore). Me, Tarzan. You, Jane. The two orgasm simultaneously and metaphorically: "the world spun and careened on its axis." Inevitably, the female lets fly "a sharp cry of delight."

Rwanational.com, the official website of the Romance Writers of America, reveals romances' two requirements:

1) a happy ending
2) it must be the love story of a faithful relationship between one hero and one heroine with no adultery

Within these guidelines, there exist many subgenres, including historical, fantasy/futuristic, regency, paranormal, etc. The more graphic versions are known in the industry as "sensual romances" and the sexless as "sweet."

Unlike porn for men, fem-porn is shelved right out in the open. At my local Borders, the romance section is surrounded by Fiction and Literature. Romance's copious pinks, violets, curlicue fonts, and silver foil scream for attention amidst the darker, matte hues of the surrounding "serious" novels. Despite all of their noise, I've never seen anyone browse them. Perhaps if they were enclaved in an ADULTS ONLY room, women of all ages would gather for a communal swoon.

Even with their leperlike status at Borders, these novels are often spotted in public spaces--the bus, the food court at lunch-hour, park benches, always attached to a woman whose eyes refuse to stray from its drama. And no wonder they pop up now and then. According to rwanational.com, 41.4 million people in the United States are romance readers. Ninety-one percent of them are women, ages 14 to 75-plus. Think how many of these women must be hiding Fabio beneath the covers.

LIFETIME: TELEVISION FOR WOMEN
The scene goes like this:

A thirtysomething couple (portrayed by twentysomething actors), sit before a blazing fireplace. They are still unsure of each other. Their insecurities are magnified by the baggage each brings to the Pottery Barn couch. One or both is divorced (not from each other). One or both has a flashback related to their first marriage.

Finally, the man turns a chiseled profile and blurts out his feelings. Breathlessly, the woman reveals that she shares his feelings, and they kiss without tongue. While uttering words of commitment, they make out and maybe get to second base (under the shirt) when the camera pans into the fire and cuts away.

The couple is next seen in bed. There they embrace and are presumably naked underneath a fluffy white duvet. All we can see are their shoulders and maybe some of their arms while they cuddle.

WOMENS' MAGS
"Don't neglect his nipples-men's are often extremely sensitive." "A few hours before bedtime, try sucking, very slowly, on your partner's fingers." "Spread honey on one spot on your body, then blindfold your guy and make him use his tongue to find the sweet and sticky spot."

Here comes the raunch. More like men's porn than any other type of fem-porn, women's magazines don't often bother with flowery metaphors. Glossies like Cosmo and Glamour (in this era of Bonnie Fuller, you can't tell the two apart) offer how-to tips to spice up your sex life.

"What You Can Learn from Peeking into Other People's Sex Lives" "12,878 Men & Women Respond to Our Secret Cyber His-Private- Parts Poll"

Make sense of the enigmatic penis. Live vicariously through other peoples' kinky stunts. Conquer sex woes through Q&A: "Should you tell your partner if they're not the best you've ever had in bed?" (In Glamour 11/99, 3 said Yes; 1 said No)

Magazine fem-porn wants to help you get a man, or if you already have one, to distract his roving eye by performing neat sex tricks like sucking on Altoids while you perform fellatio. But somehow, all of this in-your-face, woman-of-the-'90s stuff is a little too service-oriented to qualify as empowering.

Are these magazines helping us spice up our sex lives, or are they training us to be porn stars? If they're really concerned with their readers' abilities to maintain good relationships, why aren't there an equal number of articles about communication, love, and commitment as there are about sex?

So what titillates women? It's hard to make a judgment based on this limited deconstruction of mass-market fem-porn. We haven't even considered blockbuster romantic comedies (Meg-and-Tom "chick flicks") or daytime soaps. As far as romance novels, Lifetime, and womens' magazines can tell us, women are turned on by the romantic narrative, the promise of commitment, and the rituals of courtship. We're also turned on by playing Peeping Tomika to some pretty kinky stuff.

What's different about our porn? It's easily accessible. Physically it is less graphic and never bizarre. Even the most detailed sex in "sensual novels" is couched in narrative and preceded by long courtships (read: pages and pages of building tension). In women's magazines it is more often biological than scatological or with farm animals. Fem-porn is never rough and never with a stranger.

What's similar? That both genders' sexual ideals are total fantasy. Do you know anyone with a double-D personal assistant who always wants someone to watch her go at it with her lesbian lover(s)? As for fem-porn, how many completely faithful couples do you know who, like every romance novel pairing, have simultaneous, multiple orgasms each time they make love?

In many ways, seemingly innocent fem-porn is just as delusional and voyeuristic as that nasty Saving Ryan's Privates video your boyfriend/male coworker just rented. It's often just as degrading toward women. So don't berate his penchant for porn unless you're prepared to give up your pining heroines and "101 Tips for Pleasing Your Man."

See, it's a biological thing. You know--Venus. Mars. Women and men are different. We're emotional; they're not. ...

Caroline Tiger is a writer in Philadelphia. And, yes, that is her real name.