Hanukkah Gifts That Say You Care, But Not Too Much
By Allison Kaplan

Hanukkah Gifts That Say You Care, But Not Too Much Our first Hanukkah together, my boyfriend presented me with a garbage sack full of presents wrapped in wads of newspaper.

He made this offering before a dubious crowd of my relatives who were not only spending their first Hanukkah, but their first evening, with my apparently weird new boyfriend.

Granted, first family gatherings are stressful enough without the added pressure of the first gift exchange--set to transpire within eyesight and giggling range of teasing cousins and a protective brother.

It probably wasn't fair for me to subject an innocent to the rigor that is my family's well orchestrated annual Hanukkah party (all participants must watch each gift being opened one...at...a...time) without a practice run. And of course, being together as a Jewish family, thanks to the perseverance and faith of our forefathers, is the important part of Hanukkah--not presents.

That said, the gifts in my boyfriend's newspaper heap stank.

First there was a puke green T-shirt, followed by two pairs of tiny, plastic, purplish earrings commonly admired in the third grade. There was the heart hologram key chain, and jumper cables (a gift that shows he cared, my boyfriend maintains to this day). For the grand finale, I unwrapped the requisite new relationship teddy bear. Okay, it was a stuffed gorilla. Either way, the furry thing gets tossed on a chair and covered with garments in need of dry cleaning.

The gift bag represented grand effort on my boyfriend's part, which truly warmed my heart. Of course, a pretty sweater would have warmed the rest of me.

Granted, relationship gifts are tricky. When he was trying to convince me we should date, my boyfriend gave me these cute toy tools, knowing I have a thing for ratchets and drills, even if I rarely embark on projects that require using them. Naturally, the gesture was adorable, which made me think this guy must be super thoughtful.

I also thought once we were dating, he would recognize the definite limits on toy gifts.

It's difficult to know what sort of presents are appropriate at various stages in dating. Especially for men.

In college, there was the innocent, lustful relationship with the wrong man who became horribly overzealous one Hanukkah, giving me a set of real socket wrenches--Craftsman, no less--when I had gotten him nothing. I was embarrassed, confused, angry at him for putting me in such an awkward fix.

Still really love those socket wrenches, though.

Post-college, a male friend once bestowed on me an antique pill box. I knew I was in trouble even before opening it, as he looked at me with an eager stare that said "I shopped for weeks to find just the perfect gift that would show you how much I care, even if you had no idea."

I gave him a tie.

Hanukkah parties were so much easier back in Hebrew School when the teacher would just tell you to bring one unisex gift, $10 or less --water guns discouraged. Now, however, there are no rules, no limits on the opportunity for humiliation and sometimes, no way of being certain just how serious your relationship is becoming until you see if that box contains white gold, or white chocolate.

The initial instinct, in those first-love type relationships, is to express affection in dollars. And so my starry-eyed kid brother got royally ripped off before learning the merit of greeting cards. He gave his first serious girlfriend a gold bracelet for Hanukkah, then tried to get it back when they broke by New Year's.

Thirty days, money back works with Wal-Mart, not ex-girlfriends.

You've got to be careful. Give a gift that says you care, but not too much. Know when to be silly, and when to be practical. Two years into a relationship, CDs might make a decent gift. After two months? Cold.

Also remember, bad gifts can be a growing opportunity to tactfully express to your mate that, for example, puke green would not be your favorite color.

Certainly there are times when it's best to smile a lot and know he meant well. And if, months later, he should happen to find those tiny, plastic, purplish earrings floating at the bottom of your sock drawer with old sun glasses and foreign coins, that might be a time to confess the little gems are too precious for you to risk losing them.

Women, if you're stumped this season, go with anything Swiss Army. Guys enjoy thinking they are rugged.

Men, when you're shopping for a woman, consider the myriad possibilities miles between yarn friendship bracelets and platinum. In a pinch, consider phoning your girlfriend's mother. That's how I wound up with a cozy angora sweater last Hanukkah.

Allison Kaplan is a columnist for the Chicago Jewish Star whose mother only lets her date Jewish men.