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September 2000 Issue, Volume 2

What's A Nice Cosmo Girl Like You Doing With An Orthodox Husband?

By Andrea Kahn

Seven years ago, had I encountered the woman I am today, I would have pitied her: long sleeves and an ankle-length skirt in the middle of summer; no driving, writing, talking on the phone, or cooking from sundown Friday until sundown Saturday; recently married to a man she'd never touched--not so much as a peck on the cheek--until after the wedding. I'd have cringed and dismissed this woman as a Repressed Religious Nut. Now my pity--or at least a patient smile--is for that self-certain Southern California girl I was at 25.

I pursued liberal studies in college in Philadelphia, and after graduation, drove my Honda with its "I'm Pro-Choice--And I Vote!" bumper sticker to California. I took advantage of all Los Angeles had to offer; I ate sushi and gelati, played beach volleyball, studied kabala, and once went to a "Nam-myoho-renge-kyo" chanting session, where a skinny woman with bleached blond hair swore that the incantation had secured her her latest role, as Victim in a new slasher film.

I was living in a Beverly Hills basement with a gay friend at the time, working for the National Organization for Women, helping organize pro-choice rallies. I also did stints as aerobics instructor, waitress, cashier, and SAT tutor. Finally, I entered USC as a graduate student in journalism. In the next few years I wrote for the Los Angeles Times about miniskirts, paisley, and the plight of L.A.'s lovelorn. Then I worked for Teen magazine, penning endless variations of "how to get/dump your guy" stories and answering hapless teenage girls' letters in Teen's "Dear Juli" column. While I loved my spacious office with its view of the city, I also found the job mind-numbing and depressing. How many ways, I wondered, could I teach a girl to flirt?

I moved to a Beverly Hills "adjacent" apartment, complete with ceiling fans and high arches. There I was--25 years old, finally having achieved what should "do it": a promising career, friends, things. Yet I felt as though something was profoundly lacking--as if I were a Ferrari engine stuffed into a VW Bug.

Though I was at times excited, even ecstatic, I rarely remember being content or truly joyful. Though I believed in spirituality, religion was the "opiate of the masses," a crutch for emotional and intellectual weaklings and conservative Republicans. I favored Tarot card and palm readers and a particular psychic who told me I was Napoleon in a past life.

Then one night, a friend and I dropped in on an Orthodox Jewish gathering near my apartment--not so much to find enlightenment as to meet guys. I don't recall what, exactly, but something the rabbi said resonated. I decided to take a class. I certainly had no intention of becoming--ick!--religious. I just wanted to learn more about Judaism's philosophy and mysticism. As for those archaic laws? How dare anyone tell me I'm restricted from certain activities because I'm a woman or that I have to dress a certain way to protect my dignity.

Yet, as much as I fought and rebelled, I was drawn to the Orthodox world. I recognized something profound there--the values, the consciousness, the sensitivity to others. I began to see that in a society in which individuality, self-determination, and freedom of choice are the highest values, I had, in fact, been limited by pressures I didn't even recognize. I had been conforming to what's considered "normal," its definition changing every few years. Now, for the first time, I understood what I had always felt, that I had an essence, a soul. I glimpsed a higher meaning to life and the infinitely deep layers of existence leading to the Ultimate Existence: insight into which a 25-year-old--even one with a personal trainer and her own advice column--might not be privy.

To the shock of my family, which was half-sure I'd been sucked in by a cult, I quit my job, sublet my beautiful apartment, and traveled to Israel to continue my Torah studies.

I looked--really looked--at the religious women around me. I had never met stronger, more emotionally and spiritually refined, capable, loving, non-neurotic women. Or more sensitive, respectful, devoted men. More happy, psychically intact, cared-for children. I wanted that.

Everywhere, I see people driven by external achievement; I see the pain, the struggles, the Prozac nation. Becoming observant does not make a weak person strong. It is not a quick fix for a lifetime of emotional damage. But the Torah's guidelines provide the boundaries and tools for inner healing and transformation. Now, being "religious" frames everything I do, say and strive for. I knew that the man I would marry and I must share the same priorities and values.

My husband--a successful businessman--and I met in New York, through a mutual teacher who knew us well. I'd spent plenty of time engaged in the rites of Los Angeles-style dating. This was a whole different ritual. In venturing into this shiduch--which, loosely translated, means "date"--we had agreed to an express purpose. We were to decide if we were a match--and with far less dillydallying than in most modern courtships.

Aaron and I spent hours together eating Chinese food, playing miniature golf and pinball, ice-skating, boating in Central Park. I came to respect his integrity, his strength, and his constant striving to do and be better. (And he's cute!) Four months after we met, we began a 10-week engagement. (My mother, who had spent a year planning my sister's nuptials, was aghast.) We never touched, but got to know each other, unclouded by the bond of physical intimacy, which so often super-glues the wrong people together.

People look at Orthodox women as repressed. But I often think about a truer definition of repression. When I see women in skimpy clothing, intimately involved with men they barely know, I think: "Wake up, girlfriend! You think men are seeing your soul? Thinking about your needs? About who you are? Your body has become your self." The real feminine mystique consists of a woman's private side, the richness of her inner world.

I had been living the Cosmo fantasy. Now I feel as if I've awakened from a long, sweaty dream. Once I aspired to make it as a writer, and perhaps get married and have a kid or two along the way. Today, although I still work as a freelance writer, it is not my identity. I live in a religious community outside Manhattan, full of the type of people I used to look at with pity, even contempt. My goal is to become like these women: sensitive, strong, fantastic wives and mothers--not, as I once thought, because they had been subjugated for centuries and didn't know better or because they were lacking self-esteem, but because they recognize that the most important thing a person can do is to develop character by giving, building, and supporting another.

The above article is excerpted from the LOS ANGELES TIMES where it first appeared. Am Echad Resources is distributing it with permission.

Andrea Kahn is a former reporter for the Los Angeles Times and editor for TEEN Magazine. She currently lives in New York with her husband and freelances for a variety of publications.

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