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September 2000 Issue, Volume 2

Nina and Noah: Where to Begin

By Rob Dixter

You always hear the warnings, and in most cases they are just that, bluffs. Touch this and feel the wrath of a thousand starving monkeys. Well, I did and the punishment I felt was way beyond anything some monkeys could have unleashed on me (that is unless they scored higher than me on the SATs).

I read my girlfriend's diary.

It started out nice enough and actually began with Once Upon a Time, but as most stories that start with that familiar phrase, it ended in tragedy (similar to Chicken Soup For the Soul). When I got to the end I found this:

When Rob left last night I tried to remember how it was in the beginning. He used to bring flowers and we would go out for nice dinners. Now he comes over and wants to play games such as "what noise is this?" I think I might be thinking of an exit. We have been together for 2 years and I just don't see a happy end in sight.

Diary, I will keep you updated but I don't think things are looking good. When I put down her diary I was shocked. The first thing that went through my mind was that I thought she had always liked playing "what noise is this?" Then I wondered why she would refer to her Diary as an animated person, then I began to panic that Nina might dump me. The scariest thing would be to have to go out and find a new girlfriend. Where did one meet girls? Was it still at the malt shop? I heard prison was a good pick up place.

She wants excitement and something new. I want a slice of pizza and to be home in time for the Simpsons. I guess what she was asking for was a new beginning, a fresh start. So I picked up an old book I had lying around the house called "My Life at Sea: And When I Say Sea I Mean Sea!" it had excerpts from Noah's diary after The Lord had flooded the world. I figured if anyone knew about a fresh start it would be Noah, (and if I could not learn anything about a fresh start I was sure the diary would at least have instructions on keeping a clean ark and how to get rid of those annoying animal smells.)

Tuesday
I just spoke to The Lord. I was a little nervous at first but I realized he employed the same slang words as me. He said things like 'You're the only guy with morals, man!' and 'I dig your robe dude'. He asked me to build an ark and pack up two of every animal. I inquired if he wanted me to include skunks as they sometimes smelled like my sandals after I have walked from Jericho to Damascus. "EVERY ANIMAL!" he bellowed. "Geez, just checking. Don't get your beard all curled up over nothing." He can be so touchy sometimes.

Thursday
I started the ark. I'm thinking of putting in a sunroof for those lazy Saturday afternoons. She looks pretty good. My family has started rounding up two of every animal. They are having trouble locating two dogs of all things, and they accidentally got the two porcupines stuck together for awhile.

Monday
The ark is done and we christened her "Big Ass" after my mother-in-law. By the end of the day we were all loaded in and ready to set sail only there was no water. Then it began to rain.

Wednesday
It is still raining and people have begged me to come aboard my ark. Right now it contains just my wife, our family, and me. I had begged my wife to allow our Swedish au pair to come aboard, but she refused. So we are responsible for a new life, a world void of evil. I'm hoping to get a job in the lottery office.

Friday (One Month into the flood)
It has not stopped raining for one month solid. I am beginning to realize that The Lord is serious about creating a better world, I hope he manages to bring back pudding pops. I have taken to hanging out in the work out room, which also doubles as the mating place of the giraffes. At first I was curious, then sickened, then curious again (apparently it's all in the neck). In any case, I long for dry land as do the others. I am quite concerned as to what my duties will be when we eventually land. I expect some harsh demands to be placed on us by The Lord, but I welcome the challenge. I must be strong for the others. I do hope that yogurt will be invented soon, especially fruit at the bottom cups.

Sunday (40th day)
The rain has stopped. We all gathered on the upper deck and sang and danced. My son-in-law tangoed with a squirrel and then we put the wine away.

Thursday
The dove has returned with an olive branch. I sent him out for a burger and fries and this is what I get! We are all optimistic to find land soon now that we know it exists. I shall devote myself to creating a world where not only are its inhabitants happy to live in it but proud to be a member of its population. I also have decided to put my son-in-law in charge of foreign policy He seems excited and I am sure it will be some time before he realizes that no policy is needed if there are no foreigners. He is an idiot but makes good wine so we gave him a lollipop and he seems content.

As I finished Noah's diary two things stuck in my mind:
1) If I applied myself to saving this relationship I could. All I needed was a will to do it and a little effort could not hurt.
2) Why didn't Noah claim the land he landed on as Nolandia.

And so I immediately promised Nina to redouble my efforts and create an exciting and unpredictable relationship. The first thing I did was enroll both of us in a militia training camp. If it was new and adventurous she wanted then I would comply fully, I figured it had to be cheaper then buying her an ark full of animals.

Rob Dixter is a freelance writer in New York City. And he's a very serious guy.

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