You Don't Really Know Someone...Until You Break Up With Them
By Bonnie Trachtenberg
"In a few years from now, you'll laugh about this," my friend Cathy said as I relayed the events of my disastrous third date.
"He's a Municipal Court judge," I yelled through the phone, "and Jewish!" Neither of which could have foretold the reaction I would receive after declining his adamant demands for a fourth date. "I sensed something about him was a little off, but I had no idea he'd go ballistic!" I told her.
After casually pointing out his glove compartment firearm, my date cajoled, then insisted, then threatened me: "Why don't you just get out here," he bellowed as we passed through a deserted intersection in an unseemly part of town at around 11 p.m. And the piece de resistance was that all the while, he was charging that I needed therapy."If I'm so screwed up," I asked him, "why do you want a fourth date so badly?" He hadn't an answer for that one.
Back in the sanctity of my home, and with Cathy's reassurance, I realized that I shouldn't be too upset about this. I had saved myself time and effort by happening onto an interesting and fortuitous way to weed out the "Mr. Wrongs" of the world: Breaking Up. In this era of "add water and mix" relationships, it's hard to get to know someone in depth. And if, like me, you don't feel you have the luxury of time on your side (or patience for that matter), you may relish the assistance of a short cut or two. By simply breaking up, I had cut right to the core of what made this person tick, and probably saved myself a lot of unnecessary grief.
John, a lawyer friend of mine, recently imparted the details of his break up with his girlfriend of three months. "She was so attentive and giving, but I had no idea how obsessed she was!" After feeling somewhat claustrophobic in the relationship, John opted out, citing "emotional suffocation" as his main grievance. She, unfortunately, took their break up as a new romantic challenge and increased her efforts, instead of ceasing and desisting. "This girl started stalking me everywhere I went," said John incredulously. "I even had to fill out a police report!" Luckily, his vehement refusal to see or speak to his former flame eventually got the message across, and she finally gave up. John considers himself lucky. "Imagine if this nutty woman was raising my kids!"
But breaking up doesn't only reveal a person's dark side, it can sometimes bring out the best in someone who needs to "prove" himself-- like my boyfriend for instance. Even though we initially hit it off very well, he managed to let his unyielding attachment to his bachelor lifestyle come between us, and eventually pushed me away with no real cognizance of his destructive behavior. I finally left "for good" and in the six months we were apart, insisted on little contact with him. In that time, he could have picked up just where he left off and continued to spiral downward, but he didn't. Instead, he identified his true priorities in life and discovered I was at the top of the list. He did a lot of soul searching and growing up, and then reached out to me in a positive and loving way. At first I was reluctant, but he waited until I was ready to come around again. With painstaking effort, he proved that he was made of the right stuff -- something, he fears, may never have been realized had I not broken up with him.
We're both very happy now, and ironically, it's all thanks to my decision. Yes, it may be hard to do, but breaking up is also the best short cut to finding love that's ever worked for me.
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