The Peaks and Pitfalls of 'Shacking Up'
By Bonnie Trachtenberg
To live together, or not to live together? If that is the question, be prepared for a dizzying array of unsolicited opinions on the subject. You'll hear "war stories", like the one about the 24 year-old woman whose altar-shy boyfriend convinces her to defer her wedding dream in favor of moving in, sharing expenses, and getting to "know" him better. Eight years later, she's still waiting for that sparkly diamond, as she splits the rent and electric, divides the chores, and dreams of a more perfect union -- or at least a more romantic one.
One thing's for sure, though; she has gotten to know him better. Yes, now she's painfully aware of the fact that she's holed-up with a commitment-phobe who has no intention of marrying her. She wonders what might have been had she heeded her grandmother's admonition: "He won't buy the cow if he's getting the milk for free."
But as we approach the 21st century, shouldn't archaic advice like this be left in the dust of the 20th? Absolutely. However, practical cynicism needs to take its place. A woman, or a man for that matter, should know that living together is not necessarily the first step on the way to the altar. Oftentimes, it takes you in a completely different direction. That's why open and direct communication is extremely important before you make any rash decisions. When there is a mutual understanding that living together is what both parties truly want at that point in time, with agreed terms, it can work, and either lead to -- or not lead to -- something "bigger." It's when it's used for manipulation, as a bargaining chip, that problems arise.
I hear many depressing stories about people who have chosen to live together -- particularly women like the one just described. It's important to note though, that when a woman listens to her gut, she can usually sense when a man is giving her the run-around, or when he's serious. It's in his actions, his words, his philosophies. We hear it loud and clear, but, unfortunately, we tend to ignore what we don't wish to be true.
There are no hard and fast "rules" on the subject of co-habitation (despite any little pink books to the contrary). The situation and the players determine what's right. Invariably, someone will tell you that statistics show the divorce rate is higher for couples who live together first. It's something to consider, although it's probably because people who fear marriage the most are more likely to live together first, and they may veer toward divorce more often since they've had one foot out the door all along. When times get tough, their inclination is to run instead of working it out.
That said, here is one more opinion on the matter: If you believe you want to be married to the person you're considering living with, get engaged first -- and make sure you have a ring and a definitive date before you call the moving truck. If there has been some kind of investment made (ie. a diamond or a deposit), there is a much better chance that your loved one is serious about walking down the aisle with you. This way, you can live together with a certain amount of commitment and with marriage as your goal, while still having the opportunity to discover if you are impossibly incompatible before any "I do's" are exchanged.
If it's still early and your partner isn't yet ready for engagement, then wait a little while. Either he or she will be ready in a reasonable amount of time, or you'll soon get that "run-around" feeling and realize he or she never will. And if you do get that inkling, you can resolve to move on and take solace in the fact that you're future will be brighter if you're not settling for less than what you truly want.
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