Coping With the Terrible Twos

By Elizabeth Schulman

I spent this morning in music class with my two year-old daughter, a routinely enjoyable 45 minutes in which Emmanuelle romps around the room, banging instruments, and clapping her chubby hands in not-quite-rhythmic ecstasy. However, this morning's experience was less than pleasant as my adorable toddler adopted the behavior of what has to be the earliest ever recorded case of premenstrual syndrome. Actually, what certainly can resemble PMS is a typical case of the "terrible twos": tantrums on the floor and a flood of tears one minute; laughing and dancing the next. How is a mother supposed to keep up?

I admit, I do not consider myself an expert parent. As a matter of fact, I find quantum physics more easily comprehendible than the moods and habits of a two year-old. I have tried to keep up on my reading: T. Berry Brazelton, William Sears, What to Expect the Toddler Years, etc. It's not that I do not find these books helpful -- I do. It is nice to know that throwing food on the floor is a habit of other two year olds and not just mine. It gives me the sense of not being alone and reminds me that other mothers have gone on to raise wonderful, caring, responsible children who don't wind up walking down the wedding aisle in diapers, with pacifiers in their mouths. The advice in those books is usually quite good, especially when I am reading it in the quiet comfort of my easy chair with a cup of coffee and really good biscotti. It is in the midst of Toddler Chaos that my reactions may not be as reliable and my choices not as insightful. During these times, I find that only a few gems of wisdom really make it to the forefront of my consciousness. I am not even sure that these gems were actually gleaned from any of these parenting books; perhaps I received them from various wise mothers who have traveled these roads before (although if it was my mom, which is probably was, I'll never admit it).

I believe that one of the mistakes parents (including myself) make from time to time is to forget that our children are people too. Granted, these little people caused us unspeakable pain when exiting our bodies and entering this world, and this often makes us feel that we have earned the right to dictate their choices for them at all times. But I do believe that one of the keys to handling a two year-old is to begin from a place of mutual respect. Chances are, we would never grab an item out of the hands of our friends, choose not to acknowledge our partner's efforts with a thank-you, or blatantly disregard a loved-one's request. However, sometimes we do not hesitate to treat our children as second-rate citizens by doing all of the above and more. In fact, many of these very actions may be responsible for triggering tantrums to begin with. For tantrums with no apparent trigger, respecting your child's emotions during the breakdown may help ease the pain you are both feeling and allow your child to work out some of his/her conflicts with a greater sense of security. Respect is also vitally important in your day to day activities. Your child needs to know that it is acceptable to make choices that may not work, to express his or her ideas, and to have a different perspective than others. Respecting your child makes all of these things possible. The next time you look at your toddler, don't look through the eyes of a parent, teacher, guardian, and elder, but as a student, friend, and spiritual equal. Then you will be looking at your child with respect.

Another "gem" that I am often reminded of is the need to release the desire for constant control. I find that the times when my daughter and I engage in the biggest conflicts are when we are in a battle for control, and, most of the time, I am bound to lose that battle. Now, this is not the type of control that keeps our little ones out of danger or forces them to take their antibiotic on schedule. That type of control is vital to their well-being. It is the type of control that insists they eat all of their supper or take a nap when they are not tired or participate in the playgroup the way you want them to. This is the type of control that invites them to assert their budding independence simply because they have it. The fact is, I cannot ultimately force-feed Emmanuelle all of her supper; she'll eat when she is hungry. I also cannot actually force her to stay in bed during her nap time unless I strap her down (which I have considered at times). In the spirit of respect, our children are individuals and the sooner we recognize that we cannot control other people, the sooner these battles will end. For your own sanity, however, it is always good to have a Plan B, so if Plan A fails (which it usually does) you'll know what to do. Release control whenever you can and stop trying to direct the way things will play out. It will make for a much more pleasant day.

Finally, have a sense of humor. There are many days that seem to be determined more by my state of mind than the behavior of my two year-old. That is because, although her behavior may be consistent (or consistently trying) from one day to the next, my mood allows me either to go with the flow or hate every minute of it. A good sense of humor permits you to laugh when the entire glass of milk splatters on the floor or the walls are treated to a new shade of green a la Crayola. It also enables you to laugh at yourself and the less than stellar day you are having. A sense of humor certainly never hurt anyone. Remember, there is always more than one way of looking at something, so try to find the humor if you can.

Again, I have no illusions about becoming the next Dr. Spock. I am an everyday mother doing my best with my child and often feeling like I could do better. I try to trust my instincts, to act from a place of love, to respect the individuality of my daughter and celebrate her uniqueness, to release my instinct to control her every move, and not to take things too seriously. When I follow these golden rules, most days work out just fine. On other days, I go running for my parenting books to see where I went wrong. In any case, this too shall pass and better times will come.

Until, of course, they become teenagers...

Elizabeth Schulman, M.A. has a masters degree in stress management from Goddard College and a masters in health education from Columbia University. She is a yoga instructor and a full-time mother.