A cranky friend and I discussed the damned-if-you-do and damned-if-you-don't catch-22 of dating. This refers to the fact that men are looking for sex, but don't want easy women. If a woman looking for O's is willing, she will partner up quickly, but at the price of lowering her future value in the eyes of most men. Conversely, if a woman looks to wait, she is marked as one whose eye is too fixed on a possible future or too tepid for fun. As always, men are to blame.

The short form:
Men are looking for wives. Wives are defined as mates. Mates are those chosen to serve as mother to men's children. Keywords associated with mates: Nurturing, Loving, Caring, Good Genes. Image most associated with Mates: His Mother.

Men are looking for The Whore. The Whore is defined as any woman who arouses the man. The Whore functions as the focal point of men's sexual fantasies. Keywords associated with whores: Erotic, Vivacious, Provocative, Breasts. Image most associated with Whores: Babewatch

Men, whether they know it or not, really want a woman to be both Wife and Whore. There is a constant tension regarding which one they want NOW and a misconception that real women can not be both.

Before any GUY starts thinking I pander, let me say women also Either-Or men. Women divide men into either the Marriage Material group or the Just For Fun type. Both sexes divide their attention between today's pleasure and tomorrow's needs. Neither sex understands that what you think you need tomorrow can pleasure every day; that every Wife is a Whore and that any Whore could make a fine Wife. And overcoming that demands real honesty regarding sexual desires, the will to be candid with a partner, patience and imagination. We expect MTV, when anything perfect must be well-crafted over time. (Now, I surely sound too saintly by half. And that would be true, since I am most often my own undoing; a self-unmade man of sorts.)

But maybe we aren't to blame for our pink-and-scarlet lettering; we may simply be victims of the Sexual Evolution.

When young we are taught that the Garden of Eden was cultivated by Adam and Eve. God first made Adam. Adam wanted a companion, a partner, a wife, so God took one of Adam¹s ribs and then his picture perfect wife instantly appeared. Magic. And they lived happily together, sharing their lives and NOT growing old until that nasty snake came along and ruined everything.

Up through medieval times, there were many midrashim and folk tales that contradict the canonized version of blissful union. They speak of Adam as having a first wife. Her name is Lilit. It is said that she and Adam were actually joined together physically, but since Adam wanted to go in one direction and Lilit asserted her desire to go in another, there was a bit of tension. Finally, they are physically separated and Lilit is banished from the garden. According to the lore, she visits Adam and his sons, initiating illicit sexual relations with them. The offspring are conceived as demons and Lilit is forever associated with the erotic fantasy. Lilit became the prism by which western culture perceives sexually active women. This archetype is responsible, in the past, for labeling specific types of women "witch" and for blaming, today, many rape victims for the violence they have endured.

Eve, on the other hand, represents the polar opposite. In spite of all the bad press she still receives for liking apples, the sexual aspects of Eve are mostly repressed. Eve remains the celebrated Wife who was most explicitly loved during the Victorian Era. This image of Eve, already adjoined to that of Mary by the medieval Christians, resulted in wifehood being stripped of its sexual content. As if all proper women should, like Mary, conceive without actual sexual relations. The Victorian male saw himself as putting women on a pedestal, but what they actually did, by imposing this demand that women behave ethereal, was to suppress the sexual drives and personal aspirations of their wives and daughters. This attitude caused the males to actually avoid and ignore a central component of these women, while the women who wished to take part in society had to repress both their sexuality and any independent thought. The result is a culture which demanded that the people deny themselves of any possibility of really knowing the people they claimed to love.

Wouldn't it be nice if it were true that culture progresses at the speed of technology and that these concepts had been replaced as easily as the steamship and the inkwell? But today is really no different than yesterday when it comes to relationships. Even though women play more equal roles in the workplace, they still have not achieved equality when it comes to playtime. Not only do men still view women as being either Lilit/Whore or Eve/Wife, women also tend to adapt themselves to either role. Those who refuse to fit in their assigned box are punished by society. A woman who mostly fits the Wife image is scorned by males and females alike if she dare act a bit Lilit-like. She is the focus of gossip and loses the respect of her peers. Likewise, a Whore who wants to be a Wife is treated with a measure of derision and suspicion by both sexes. Her Adam won't fully trust her monogamy, the other Wives will fear their husbands fidelity. Her compatriots criticize her as well, as if she has deserted them.

Now, back at the dinner table or bar or water cooler clutch, the guy is deciding "which is she?" Is she Whore of Wife? This is not always a conscious deliberation. Mostly, it is an instinct dependent both on our emotional needs at the time and the way the woman fits into our personal typing of Whore and Wife. (Personally, you all look the same to me.) Once that decision is made, the guy will treat you according to the way he thinks your type wants to be treated. This is where candid, honest communication and patience with a potential partner taking the wrong path could breach any impasse, but this is also where men and women alike all seem to have neither the inclination nor the desire to invest the effort. As if it is better to have a good story of a bad date than to risk feeling foolish by saying exactly what you think. It's an easier battle, but a losing one, no doubt.

I expect that even though I have come to recognize some past mistakes my future will cast a long shadow before I fully integrate it into the mosaic of my life. Until then, I can only remind myself as best I can of that old adage:

"Whore for the money, Wife for the show, Three takes time to get ready, now go boy go."