New Archive:

February 2000 Issue, Volume 3

How to Clean Up Your Neighborhood, or Overthrow a Government: Whichever Comes First

By Rob Dixter

I like to watch as many awards shows as possible. I'm not just talking about the Grammys, the Oscars, or the Weiners (for best hot dog of the year - let's just say an Oscar Meyer chili dog is the Tom Hanks of the processed meat world). I'm referring to the smaller ones where celebrities who might get two minutes of air time on a primetime show are awarded trophies for their involvement in aiding society. I used to watch these shows just to see what Camryn Manheim had chosen to wear to the function, but the more I watched them, the more I realized these do-gooders were actually, for lack of a better phrase, doing good. Whether it was saving the oceans (Ted Danson), teaching kids about the harmful uses of drugs (Carroll O'Connor), or advising on the proper way to make and eat a poundcake in under ten minutes (Dom DeLuise). It dawned on me that I did not need to become some half-important celebrity with an over-inflated ego and two kids named Cody and Cassidy (ya, I'm talking to you Kathie Lee) to do my part to make this earth a better place for you, me, and a certain somebody's sweatshops.

With this epiphany, came the realization that others out there might to pitch in and take action against the injustices of this world, or at least someone who could lend me bus money to get started. So I began to jot down a few notes, and what emerged was a handbook, if you will, to Beginning the Fight For Your Own Cause, to creating your own awareness for whatever social action you intend to undertake. There are many groups for many causes already in effect, so I doubt you would get much funding from the federal government if you wanted to start, say, a literacy program. But this handbook would help if you wanted to raise awareness for illiteracy, or spread the word on how not enough kids are illiterate today. So, without further ado, follow these steps to creating your own social awareness program.

1) Choose a cause. Most of the good ones are already taken, like AIDS, homelessness, drugs, and welfare. So you might need to use a little brainpower here. Remember, your cause does not have to be in any way popular (Look at fascism, that caught on big time in the late thirties). It should, however, be something that will draw attention. Maybe demanding better smelling sewers in the city, or picketing for shaved legs in the summer months. Quite honestly, your cause does not need be earth-shattering or head-spinning -- I mean, Ted Turner donated a billion dollars to the U.N. because he was worried that Jane Fonda was going to invest it in work-out DVDs.

2) Raise Money. Any good cause or social action requires funding. The basic premise behind this is approaching hard working citizens to cough up their money to support something you believe in. The question remains: how do you actually get the money? You could always try telemarketing, calling people late at night when you know they're home, and soliciting them to join your cause or donate funds to it. (A quick side note: if MCI ever calls me again during Ally McBeal, I will * 69 them and send pizzas to their headquarters for eight hours straight, and if you think I'm bluffing just ask Mrs. Steinberg my ninth grade Geography teacher). Another neat trick is a charity box. When I was in the second grade they used to pass around a little blue-and-white box and ask for donations for the state of Israel. I used to insert a nickel or dime (basically whatever I had in my pockets -- sometimes I would jam some lint in there as well just to fill it up) into the little opening, and feel good that I was helping out Israel. Then it dawned on me that Israel was a real country with real citizens and I couldn't understand how one small silver dime was going to solve the mideast crisis. All I knew was that I would not be able to afford a pack of Lick-M- Aid at lunch.

3) Make speeches. Once you are funded and are able to afford a staff, a photo copier, a watercooler, a Sony Playstation, and a fax machine, it is time to start writing, to have your vision heard by an audience. When you want to win people over to your side for help in your efforts, it is best to open with a joke. No matter your cause or its effect on society, jokes are key in public speeches. I am reminded of the time I was in the audience of a lecture warning us how close dinosaurs were to extinction. The speaker began with a joke about a hippopotamus and a hyena mating, and how they were discovered by the hyena's parents and how instead of punishing the hyena they were laughing uncontrollably. I do not remember the rest of the speech but that joke has stayed with me to this day (not that it really mattered as dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years).

After the speech is written and you have outlined all your points, you need an audience to hear it. Audiences are hard to come by. You could grab a megaphone and hang out outside the Today Show waiting for Al Roker to put down his croissant and come outside, or you could get your own audience. How? Advertising. Put flyers up all over town, and on the flyers put a picture of Britney Spears in the corner (people seem to love her). Or you could always call local television stations and tell them you just witnessed a real life Free Willy experience. For some reason, local TV stations love showing kids and animals right after graphic war coverage in Bosnia.

4) Preach. Now you have the materials and the audience waiting to hear your words of wisdom. All you need to do is win them over and they shall become your loyal slaves in seeing your cause through to completion. To do this, you must be charismatic and add showmanship to your speech. Take a few lessons from any televangelist you have seen, but cut the lesson short before you begin sleeping with your secretary, embezzling money, or marrying a woman whose eye make-up could have been the reason for the Titanic sinking.

These tips are good for a range of things, from helping to start the Fight Against Children Under the Age of Twelve Having Pet Ostriches, to overthrowing a neighboring government ( just ask Fidel Castro). There have been many men in the past whose journey for his mighty cause has been seen as admirable. Take Ghandi for instance, he ate nothing except water and Spam for a whole month. But he got his way and was finally allowed to carry the Olympic torch through India (Šyou obviously didn't read the Idiot's Guide to Twentieth Century History). There seem to be a lot of people out there today doing a lot of good, and trying their hardest to clean up this country. They sacrifice their time, their money, and, quite literally, themselves. So, come to think of it, maybe you should join their cause and forget these little tips I just gave you. You'll probably get a lot more done that way and, quite frankly, probably help out a lot more people who could really use it. Maybe I'll give Ghandi a call...

Rob Dixter is a freelance writer in New York City.