New Archive:

February 2000 Issue, Volume 2

Kids, You've Got To Know Your Civics

By Jeff Kramer

Kids, you've got to know your civics.

What's wrong with you kids anyway? We give you everything you need to be good citizens - Pokemon, assault rifles, Chili 'n Lime Tostitos - and what do you do?

You can't even pass a basic civics test.

In case you've forgotten, I'm talking about a nationwide civics exam of school children mandated by this thing we call "Congress."

The point was to see if young people understand how government works.

Trust me, it's not that complicated.

Fact: The test was administered in 1998.

Fact: The results were just released this month.

There's your answer, kids.

Government works S-L-O-W-L-Y.

But a lot of you didn't even get that far.

Two-thirds of high school seniors indicated that Janet Reno was the winner of this year's Kentucky Derby. (She won in 1997.)

Nearly half believe a bicameral legislature has only one hump. (It has two.)

And a shocking 83 percent of eighth-graders believe "Separation of Powers" refers to "The Spy Who Shagged Me."

I think we all know what this means. It's time to brush up on our civics so we can grow up to be good citizens like Regis Philbin.

And yes, Regis. That's my final answer: I'm throwing you off a 16-story building.

So here's the deal, kids. Pay attention or, I swear, there'll be no bodily function jokes for a whole week.

Burrrrrrrrrrp!

Starting now.

OK. The first thing you need to know about our government is that it is a democracy, from the Greek word "demos" - as in "Capt. Demo needs another $500 million nuclear submarine."

In democracies, each person is entitled to one vote, except for developers. They get six.

Power is divided among the three branches of government: lawyers, lobbyists and Alan Greenspan.

This system of jerks and balances was designed by our forefathers to block a commercial airport at El Toro. So far, so good.

Power is also divided between the federal, state and local governments. Generally, the federal government is responsible for collecting a third of our personal income and dividing it as follows:

25 percent to subsidize tobacco farmers.
25 percent to eliminate tobacco smoking.
25 percent to countries that hate us.
25 percent handling fee.

States, on the other hands, are responsible for regulating podiatrists and greenlighting faulty freeway welds, while the purpose of local governments, like the one right here is ...

OK, you got me.

Let's move on to some extra-credit questions.

1) Which country is the United States located in?
Answer: Texas.

2) Which orginal member of the Jackson 5 appears on the $20 bill?
Answer: Tito.

3) Who won the Korean War?
Answer: Geronimo.

4) How many humps does a bicameral legistature have?
(You better get this right!)
Answer: 2.

Excellent. That concludes our civics lesson for today. I look forward to your full and active participation as citizens of this great nation.

Remember, though: You can't vote until you're 16.

Jeff Kramer is a writer from Orange county, California.