New Archive:

December 2000 Issue

What are We Fighting For?

By Rob Dixter


The holidays are upon us again, and that can only mean two things. 1) Drunken holiday office parties where you mistakenly make out with the intern and 2) presents.

I have decided to forgo the first holiday decree, but there is no way I'm getting around the second. I remember getting presents for Hanukkah as a small boy who thought Christians had it pretty good because I saw a Playboy cover with a bunny dressed as Santa.

But when we learned the story of Hanukkah in school there was no mention of presents, gift certificates, or even a mall. Where did the Maccabees shop? Online?

People always talk about the miracle of Hanukkah. The miracle wasn't that there were any Playstation 2 consoles left on the shelves, but rather that when the Jews lit the menorah after defeating the Syrians, the oil lasted for eight days. (Hence the eight days of Hanukkah, or as the kids refer to it, the eight days of "Gimme, Gimme, Gimme.")

Back then the only thing given during the eight days was a stern lecture on leaving the door closed lest a draft blow out the menorah.

Why then do I risk life and limb every year to shop for gifts?

When I was a kid my grandmother made me write down a list of five things I wanted for Hanukkah, and I would get one of them. (I think she learned this from Judah Maccabee.) Of course I wanted the latest coolest toy, and even requested a Cabbage Patch Kid once so I could see if it was really made out of cabbage.

I don't know how my grandmother did it, but she always delivered. (That is, until I started asking for booze and cigarettes. I told her I needed them just to get me through the cold months of January, but it never worked.)

This season the hot toys are the new Playstation 2 and a Robotic Dog, the latter of which serves as an excellent gift for that couple who has trouble taking care of a real dog but still enjoys brisk walks and smoking cigars. These items are about as hard to find as bacon in a Rabbi's fridge. But, if you do find a store that carries these items, forget the holiday cheer, forget the miracle of Hanukkah, and forget any form of civility. Because the one time the holiday cheer turns to holiday evil is when you shop for presents.

New York during the holiday season is a lot like the Titanic while it was sinking--everyone trying to grab the last spot while Leo's hair oh, so dramatically falls into his eyes.

People grab after the choice toys as though they're participating in Wrestlemania IV and someone just insulted Chyna's waist size. I've seen Full Nelsons, Half Nelsons, One Eighth Nelsons and even some body slams as people fight over the few remaining items.

What about the Maccabees? Shouldn't the story of Hanukkah inspire us to band together during the holidays? Apparently not when it comes to pleasing your five-year-old son with a video game console that also plays DVDs.

Usually Hanukkah falls earlier in the calendar than Christmas. This year, however, the celebration of the Maccabees collides with Christmas, an overlapping that will likely cause huge problems for people like me who leave shopping to the last minute. If your son has begged you over and over for a Playstation 2 and you've promised him and your other kids a present for each day of Hanukkah, good luck! (Good thing I don't have any kids, I don't even have cable). 'Cause even though the holiday season is upon us and there seems to be cheer in the air, it truly is every man for himself.

Rob Dixter is a freelance writer in New York City. And he's a very serious guy.

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