New Archive:

December 2000 Issue

Interfaith Dating and the Holidays:
Finding the Right Time to Visit

By Michael Heafitz

Sierra and I met my senior year of college. We first spoke during a torrential downpour and first kissed after a tango. Sure, there are some little problems: she's still a junior in college and I've been working for a year; she's in Connecticut, I'm in Boston; I'm a Jew from Newton, and she grew up Mormon in Salt Lake City. Nothing that love can't solve, though, right?

I've found, after two years of dating, that Sierra and I have few problems with our different religious backgrounds. However, the situation has not been so clear-cut with either of our families.

Both Sierra and I have been blessed with truly loving and open-minded parents. My parents have never forbidden me to date non-Jews and they have been nothing but friendly and warm towards my non-Jewish girlfriend.

Still, at the start of the relationship, my mother did drop the occasional hint that she might prefer I date a Jewish girl. (Usually phrased as, "Don't you think it would make you happier to be dating a Jewish girl?")

Problems began to arise once the relationship became more serious and Sierra and I started talking about visiting each other for holidays. I wanted her to visit for the High Holy Days and she wanted me to fly with her to Utah for Christmas. Unfortunately, we met with a surprising amount of resistance.

We both spoke to our parents about setting another place at the table and in both cases they seemed fine with the idea. However, in the days that followed, both my mother and Sierra's decided that perhaps there might be a better time for a visit.

Now, neither of our families is religiously zealous enough to feel that there is anything blasphemous about the beliefs of the other. It was not a question of religious morals, either. I was very pleased when I discovered that Sierra, despite having been raised in the Mormon-dominated mountains of Utah while I was raised in the Jew-filled suburban streets of Newton, had very similar ideals and morals to my own.

We were both raised to be kind and loving people, and to accept others. So I could only conclude that our parents' problem was not one of religious theology, but rather a matter of religious ritual and family tradition.

When I asked my mom what her problem was with Sierra joining us for services on Yom Kippur she explained that she thought it was inappropriate for a non-Jew, a "non-believer," to participate in something so sacred. She felt that by bringing Sierra with me I would somehow be "watering down" the ceremony, making it less special by putting it on display for someone who couldn't feel the meaning behind it.

Somewhat predictably, I had the opposite reaction. I love my girlfriend and want to share everything in my life with her. The importance of my Judaism to me and the sacredness of Yom Kippur are the very reasons I so much wanted her to be involved.

Likewise, Sierra wants to be part of the experiences that have an impact in my life. It means she endures my favorite short stories by William Gibson, even though she finds the writing cumbersome and ugly; she watches Jackie Chan movies with me (and actually enjoys them), even though she'd rather be watching Pride and Prejudice; and she tries to learn everything she can about Judaism.

Why would I want to include her in everything else and then exclude her from something that is such an important part of who I am?

The same reasoning prompted Sierra to invite me to her family's home for Christmas. I've already met Sierra's mother and two of her siblings, but I have yet to meet her father. I have not been able to spend time with the family on their own terms, in their own home.

Unlike Yom Kippur in my household, Christmas for the Burton family is not a particularly religious occasion. They don't go to church, and they don't say any prayers. But Christmas has just as much importance for them as a family event, if not a religious one.

Every Christmas there are two family rituals that occur in the Burton household. The first is a makeshift Christmas pageant. While such subject matter is clearly religious, the point of the pageant is for every family member to take part in the retelling of an important story in the history of the religion.

Being that my favorite holiday within my own religion is Passover, which completely revolves around retelling an important story, I was looking forward to observing someone else's religious storytelling.

The other, far more important tradition in the Burton family, is a performance. Each member of the family performs something for the rest of the family, and it's usually music.

Sierra's sister Adryon sings, her brother Taylor plays saxophone, and Sierra plays the piano, a gift she apparently inherited from her father, who rarely plays for anyone except for during this holiday event. It's because of these rituals, this tight-knit family community, that I have been excluded from the holiday experience. It's not specifically because I'm Jewish, but because I'm an outsider.

Sierra did end up coming to temple for Yom Kippur and she did enjoy herself. Well, as much as a person can enjoy herself when surrounded by a mob of starving people wearing heavy clothes, standing in a hot room for hours talking about atoning for their sins in a language she doesn't understand.

But I'm careful to explain everything to her, and now she understands why the holiday, and Judaism as a whole, is so important to my parents and me.

As to visiting Sierra's family this winter: I'll be skiing in Utah for New Year's, but I'll need to wait on seeing the pageant or hearing her father play.

Sierra tells me that all the lights will still be up in Temple Square, her family is going to wait a week longer to take down the tree, and I'm sure her little brother Chase will have no problem showing me all of his new toys.

I may not get to be part of the family for Christmas this year, but I do get to spend time with Sierra and her loved ones. And there's always next year.

Michael Heafitz is a graduate of Connecticut College with a degree in Anthropology and Religious Studies. He is currently webmaster at Jewish Family and Life!

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