God Goes Hollywood
The Prince of Egypt inspires the King of the Universe
By Andrew Wallenstein
Hot on the heels of The Prince of Egypt, God has reportedly signed a multimillion-dollar deal with the Dreamworks movie studio to pen scripts based on His Holy Bible. Hollywood has been buzzing about the Lord of the Universe, whose breakthrough bestseller, the Torah, provided the plot for The Prince of Egypt. Upon witnessing the celebrity voices and global marketing push Dreamworks devoted to the story of Exodus, God began pitching all the major studios in order to get greater exposure for the rest of the Bible.
"This deal is a dream come true for a screenwriter like myself just starting out," said the Supreme Being in a joint press conference with Dreamworks. "If I play my cards right, maybe the Torah will be the next Titanic."
"I consider this deal a New Covenant," said Dreamworks CEO Steven Spielberg, who denied rumors that he financed the pact with pocket change. "Here at Dreamworks, we recognized God's unique talent and plan to bring His Word to a whole new generation. With a few, ahem, alterations."
Sources in heaven revealed that the Almighty was mighty peeved about not getting listed in the credits for Egypt, and feels He is just as qualified as human screenwriters to put a '90s spin on His timeless tales. "It's about time I got a piece of the pie," said the King of the Universe. "Since The Ten Commandments, Hollywood has been ripping off stuff I've either dictated to Moses or divinely inspired other prophets to write."
Spielberg laughed when he reminisced aloud about God's first draft. "At first He just drops this huge scroll in my lap. And as I read it I'm thinking, there's a lot of potential here. He just had to get rid of all the laws, which really bog down the story. So I told God, 'Get me rewrite!'" Holed up at an artist's colony over the past few months, God has since generated several screenplays based on the Bible, many of which have already been given the green light for production. One executive who attended the pitch meetings with Oh Beneficent One jotted down some notes on a cocktail napkin and leaked them to the press on the condition that he remain anonymous.
Here's a sneak peek at some of His upcoming projects:
Madam, I'm Adam. A classic romance set in the Garden of Eden: Boy meets girl, girl gives boy apple, boy eats apple and taints humanity for all eternity. The Motion Picture Association of America is already threatening an NC-17 rating considering the actors are nude the entire first hour, but God assures the scenes are "very tastefully done."
There's already Oscar buzz surrounding Leonardo DiCaprio, who is set to star as Adam; Elizabeth Berkeley of Showgirls is rumored to be playing that naughty vixen Eve, but the Lord declareth he'll settle "for any chick who can fill a fig leaf." Madam also stars Jerry Springer as the voice of the serpent.
Rabbi Doolittle. Eddie Murphy is back as the doctor who can talk to animals, only this time he has smicha. When God informs him he is the only righteous dude left on Earth and that the entire planet will be wiped out by a flood, Rabbi Doolittle constructs an ark for himself and about a million of his closest animal friends. As the world washes away outside, Rabbi Doolittle takes advantage of his captive audience by hitting them up for membership dues and delivering endless sermons. The animals swim away, deciding they'd rather take their chances with mass annihilation. This movie is a merchandising bonanza; kids can collect plastic animal figurines with every McDonalds Happy Meal.
Sam-san. He was just one man, but he kicked Philistine butt by the thousands; the only actor today who could pull that off is martial arts master Jackie Chan. The story of the strongman prophet gets relocated to medieval Japan for the ultimate kung-fu movie.
Chan beats the best of them in one fight scene after another, but he meets his match in Delilah, the temptress who learns the secret of his strength and betrays him. Just when it looks like it's time to say sayonara to Sam-san, he literally brings down the house to destroy his enemies. The first kamikaze mission in history hits celluloid, and if you think the film is good, wait until you see the video game.
Free Willy 4: Jonah's Joyride. Swallow yet another sequel about a boy having a whale of a time with America's favorite mammal. Young Jonah ends up in the belly of the beast after Willy mistakes him for some plankton. To make matters worse, a harpoon-happy captain named Ahab wants Willy for his blubber.
Realizing Jonah may be his only hope, Willy stops trying to regurgitate the boy in order to try and work together. Jonah devises an elaborate navigational system by sticking his head outside Willy's blowhole and tugging on the whale's tonsils whenever he spots Ahab, oil spills or tuna nets. A gloomy tale of sin and repentance is now fun for the whole family! And you can be sure the Willy-themed underwater roller coaster is sure to make a splash at Holy-wood, a Biblically themed amusement park in the works.
Ever the artiste, God is said to still be wrangling with the studio over His insistence on producing a four-hour documentary detailing the priestly duties in the Mishkan, based word for word on the text of Leviticus. Although Spielberg felt the film may be too "dry" for mass audiences, he agreed, but only on the condition that Cindy Crawford narrate.
God is also reportedly angling to act in some supporting roles, and not necessarily as Himself. "I'm really looking to expand my range here, and playing God doesn't provide me with the opportunity to show off my acting chops," he said. "Besides, to be quite frank, I think James Earl Jones would make a better God than God, don't you think?"
In an interview with People magazine, the Holy One Blessed is He revealed He desperately wants to beat out DiCaprio for the role of Adam, going as far as hiring a personal trainer to get in shape for the character. However, He says He'll only join the cast if His favorite actress plays Eve.
"Three words: Jennifer Love Hewitt," He sighed. "Three more words: Va, va and voom. But only if I lose the extra pounds and look really buff."
Asked whether He minded that the plots in The Prince of Egypt and His new projects bear little similarity to His original text, the Master of Legions said He had no reservations. "Try to think of it as a reinterpretation," He said, His arm slung over the shoulder of a grinning Spielberg. "And Rabbi Spielberg here spins one heck of a midrash."
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