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May 2001 Issue

My Journey to Judaism

By Alexis Yael

As a young girl I had mystical experiences. I was certain that the flashes of light I saw when I closed my eyes were the energy of my prayers being released to heaven. To me G-d was very real, something I could feel all around me, and even within me.

Because I taught Sunday school at our small New Age Church as a teenager, I was aware that there were many Christian doctrines that I could not accept. The most basic was the idea that G-d had sent Jesus to Earth to save humanity.

"How is it possible that Jesus was the Messiah?" I would ask, "After all this world is not a paradise. I thought the Messiah was supposed to usher in an age of Peace?"

None of the usual answers placated my sixteen year-old self. I wasn't content to wait for Jesus' return to bring about the repair of the world. I wasn't comfortable that Jesus had "died for me," either. It didn't seem right to sacrifice anyone for redemption of others, especially when that promised redemption didn't come!

The world as I see it is a terrible, beautiful world, but it hasn't been redeemed yet. I see it as everyone's duty to repair the world.

This turned out to be a very Jewish idea.

So perhaps it shouldn't be surprising that most of my friends growing up were Jewish. I felt very comfortable among Jews. My friends recognized this kinship, too. Once my friend Kira dubbed me an "honorary Jew" when she realized that I was the only non-Jew sitting at our side of the room.

When I was seventeen, I read The Spiral Dance by Starhawk. Her book deeply resonated with me; I felt drawn to the imagery of G-d as a woman. I had a lot of problems with the concept of the duality of G-d (which I never believed in) but I thought that the feminist implications of Wicca outweighed the small difficulties I had with their concept of the plurality of G-d.

Even as a Wiccan, I was a monotheist. I felt that I could call my G-d a Goddess while still believing that She was One. I may have called Her different names: Artemis, Athena, Cerwiden, but these were names only to me…more like branches on a tree than distinct people.

For me, G-d is an overwhelming mystery: the force of the Universe. I never lost my childhood mysticism.

During this religious quest, I started dating my husband Mike. While I was having problems with Wicca, I didn't feel any conflict with the egalitarian Judaism of Mike's family. I fell into the routines of Jewish time easily, celebrating Shabbat and holidays with his family.

And then came my first High Holidays.

Oh, did I love High Holidays! I fasted that year on Yom Kippur. (How could I not? I was living with a Jewish family who fasted. It seemed logical to me at the time, though I've since met many non-Jewish partners who don't feel compelled to fast.) That Yom Kippur was one of the most intensely spiritual experiences I've ever had. Here was a place where I felt my mystical and practical sides could combine into one religious and spiritual self. I had come home.

At some point during that year I told my family I was going to convert. It didn't shock anyone. I was already keeping kosher, and my family assumed I was already Jewish, not realizing how tough it was to convert to Judaism.

When Mike proposed to me I quickly got over my fear of talking to a Rabbi about conversion because I wanted to have a Jewish wedding. We knew the local Reform Rabbi from High Holidays, but I didn't feel a connection to him. And even though this Rabbi said he would work towards conversion with me, I felt awkward meeting with him. I stopped calling to make appointments.

We asked our hometown (Reform) Rabbi to oversee our wedding. This Rabbi had known Mike since he was a toddler, and had known me even before I'd ever met Mike (from a friend's bat mitzvah). He immediately said yes, met with us, and tried to set up a beit din for my formal conversion. Scheduling made that impossible. Instead we planned our Jewish wedding knowing I would make my Jewishness a reality as soon as I could.

My Hebrew name on our Ketubah is "Yael Alexis bat Avraham v'Sarah." I chose the name Yael after reading a poem about peace in Israel, which had a female protagonist named Yael.

After the wedding, I started looking for female Rabbi near us. It took me a while to find her, but I did. She's a Reconstructionist at a shul an hour and a half from us. Not minding the drive if it meant I would feel more comfortable meeting with my Rabbi, I emailed her to set up an initial meeting. We've been meeting regularly since then and Mike and I have been attending Shabbat services every other week. We feel like we have found a new Jewish home again, after missing the Reform community in northern California where we grew up.

My beit din and mikvah are scheduled for June 4 this year at the University of Judaism.

Soon I will immerse myself in the living water of tradition. I've been looking for a tallit and planning the party after my entrance into the Jewish covenant. It's a homecoming party, I tell people.

Some say that every Jewish convert was present at Mt. Sinai. I tend to believe this. Listening to the words of Torah, I can feel myself standing there, at Sinai. When G-d tells me "Listen" I feel obligated to listen. "Hinani," I want to respond. "Here I am!"

"Hear, O Israel, Adonai is your G-d, Adonai is One." These words are my words. These people are my people. This G-d is my God.

Alexis Yael, a poet, graduated from the University of California at Riverside in 2000 with a degree in Creative Writing. She can be reached at alexisyael@yahoo.com.

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