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March 2001 Issue

And the Oscar goes to. . .

By Rob Dixter

On March 25th, a lot of people I don't know and will never hang out with will get very dressed up and march with their date or posse down a red carpet on their way into the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion.

The occasion is the Academy Awards, the one time of year when movie stars have their egos bruised and are somewhat humbled as there can only be one winner per category with the occasional tie (Barbara Streisand you are so lucky).

The winners will tell you that winning an Oscar presents them with a euphoric feeling unheard of since someone sat next to Pete Sampras while he was removing his socks and happened to breathe in.

Ultimately the award will end up on a mantelpiece, most likely next to a Hanukkah Menorah like the one I made in Kindergarten using old bottlecaps. Everyone always comments on it, but like an Oscar statue, it really is not very useful for anything unless you like staring at a nude gold man standing on a film reel.

The Oscars are voted on by the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences, but I was wondering what the outcome would be if the awards were chosen strictly by Jews.

The first and easiest category is Best Supporting Actress. There are a bunch of fine actresses in this category and the Supporting category tends to offer meaty roles and showy performances.

While Julie Walters, Judi Dench, Frances McDormand, and Marcia Gay Harden all furthered the art of acting with their performances, if Jews picked the winners the Oscar would go to Kate Hudson. Jewish guys look at Kate Hudson with a certain shiksa envy. It's all in The Apprenticeship of Duddy Kravitz. Jewish guys lust after non-Jewish women because they know they can never have them. And no one looks more non-Jewish than Kate, hence the Oscar.

The Academy tends to vote for people based on their body of work and not just the nominated performance, which is why Albert Finney has a shot at the Best Supporting Actor. But if Jews were running the show, the award would go to Joaquin Phoenix or Jeff Bridges.

Based solely on the performance, Benicio Del Toro or Willem Dafoe should win, but if Jews were choosing, the guilt factor would kick in and Joaquin or Jeff would pick up the statue. Joaquin, you will remember, is the brother of River Phoenix who overdosed and killed himself. Jeff is of course the son of Lloyd Bridges who recently passed away. Since Jewish guilt is a powerful and dangerous thing, (it was George Lucas' model for the Force), the Jewish judges would award one of them the statue.

Critics have all released their picks for winners and it seems everyone is in agreement that Julia Roberts should win for Erin Brockovich. Even the Jews would vote for Julia; she radiates success. There really is no point in even listing the other nominees. She has it all--a great career, beauty, grace, and does anyone look more like the poster couple for a Jewish match than Julia and Benjamin Bratt? They look exactly like my Aunt Yetta and Uncle Saul.

The best actor seems like a tight race due to Tom and Russell. Javier Bardem was lucky to be nominated, Geoffrey Rush played a pervert, and Ed Harris was simply mishugas as Pollock. That leaves Russell Crowe and Tom Hanks.

If Jews were picking it would obviously go to Mr. Hanks. Tom seems to have that nice guy quality that Jewish mothers love. It even comes across in his films. In Cast Away, he held on to that one FedEx package and delivered it all those years later. If that is not a mensch move then my Rabbi should shave his beard off.

After a four-and-a-half hour telecast, we will arrive at the Best Picture award. Personally, I think Gladiator will walk off with the award, but if Jews picked it, I don't think they would award it to any of the five pictures nominated. Erin Brockovich has too much cleavage. Does she really need to push her breasts together like that? Oy vey. Traffic is too dark and reveals facts about kids and drugs that scares parents into reality too much. Gladiator is too violent and doesn't use the violence affectively like that nice Mr. Spielberg did in Schindler's List. Since the awards are too close to Passover, Chocolat is out because it never mentions those kosher for Passover flake bars.

So that leaves Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, which simply reminds Jews of eating Chinese food on Christmas Eve. (Although, sometimes I do wish the delivery guy from the Chinese restaurant could fly up walls so that he wouldn't take forever with my Lo Mein).

I guess it's a good thing that it's not only Jews choosing the Oscars, but if you are betting on an office pool, go with The Patriot for Cinematography; it reminds me of a well-shot Bar Mitzvah video.

Rob Dixter is a freelance writer in New York City. And he's a very serious guy.


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