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February 2001 Issue

Straight to the Heart

By Sue Fendrick

If you're straight and never thought you had something called "heterosexual privilege," here's a little exercise: get engaged.

If you're not up for the experiment, I'll save you the trouble. I've done it. Here are some of the 100% guaranteed results:

People will be really, really happy for you. I am not just talking about friends and loved ones. If you casually mention that you are attending to some detail for your wedding, people--and by people, I mean cashiers, travel agents, snow removal personnel--will exclaim, "Oh, congratulations! When are you getting married?" If you are a woman and wear an engagement ring, it will get more attention that all the clothes in your closet have ever received.

Basically, you become a magnet for societal approval. You are doing what comes naturally, pairing up, building a family, settling down, symbolizing people's hope that there is a future that will come after the now, and that people are planning to live in it and maybe even have some babies.

Having been single for many of my 39 years, I can tell you that random strangers don't get all smiley when you tell them, "I have a new job," or, "I just had an article published," or, "I just saved the lives of 20 Kosovars."

Of course, each of these will impress some people, and anything will impress your mother, They're all things that help make the world go 'round, like building a life with another person, but they don't elicit the same universal knee-jerk reaction of "We approve."

Nor, for that matter, does deciding to commit your life to a person of the same sex.

Try it. Put on your best dress and announce to your office mate, "I'm marrying my girlfriend." Tell the woman at the bridal store you're shopping for two. Or guys: hold hands with each other as you shop for bikes. Unless you're in the Bay Area or are lucky enough to work with a salesperson who's gay or gay-friendly, I can pretty much guarantee neither of these is going to get you a discount, or even a mazel tov.

And it's certainly not going to get you the right to make medical decisions for each other when one of you is unconscious and the other is right by the bedside.

Although my fiance and I are planning a pretty elaborate wedding, filled with Jewish ritual and celebration, from a civil point of view all we'd have to do to be considered married is pay for a license and stand before a justice of the peace.

The whole thing can be easily done in less than an hour: shorter than an episode of Who Wants to Be A Millionaire? Because he's a boy and I'm a girl. By virtue of that hour, we'd get these valuable prizes, just for playing: survivor benefits, inheritance rights, "family" health coverage to name only a few.

According to the Lambda Legal Defense Fund, there are hundreds of rights that heterosexual couples get simply by virtue of being legally married.

Contrast this with the lesbian couple in our family, together for 25 years. They have raised two children, built a beautiful home, and are one of the most stable families I know. Every one of the legal protections they have has been carefully constructed through a series of documents signed and filed at great time and expense: co-parenting agreements, power of attorney, health care proxy--the list goes on. And many rights, they simply don't have access to.

For a man and a woman, the piece of paper does it. For two women or two men, even years of doing dishes, making love, sharing money, changing diapers, planning for retirement, hosting friends, and building a home counts for nothing. By law, in most cases, they're nothing more than roommates.

We are friends with two different gay male couples, life-partners who are fighting to be able to stay in this country because one in each family--top professionals in their field (not that housecleaners and factory workers shouldn't also get to stay with their mates) is not a US citizen and has a work visa that has run out. If they were a man and a woman, this would be a done deal. Their marriage should protect them from being separated.

A lesbian couple we know in a similar situation moved to Israel rather than be forced to live apart. Because they're both Jewish, they can make aliyah. But because they're both women, the US won't recognize their marriage, (which took place with a rabbi and under a chuppah) and won't let them continue to build their lives in the only place this couple has called "home."

If you're in a straight marriage, considering, or even fantasizing about one--remember that (if and when the time is right) what will come to you with no effort (or particular merit) on your part is still denied to many loving couples.

Consider a heterosexual marriage tax of sorts: contribute to organizations like the Lambda Legal Defense Fund that are working for civil recognition of same-sex marriages. It's not just about a piece of paper; it's about the right to be recognized as a family, in all the ways that counts before the law.

Legal changes alone aren't enough, of course. Every one of us who is not a direct victim of heterosexism has a responsibility whenever and wherever possible to celebrate the commitments of gays and lesbians, to lend our support to the lives they are building, to cheer on their love and support their relationships--and to do whatever we can, every day, to bring that time a little closer when two men, obviously in love and "making plans," will routinely be asked with a glowing smile, "When's the date?"

Rabbi Susan Fendrick is getting married in March. She is the editor of SocialAction.com, GenJ's sister 'zine. She is donating her fee for this article to the Marriage Project of the Lambda Legal Defense Fund, which is spearheading a national coalition working for the right of same-sex couples to marry.

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