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February 2001 Issue

Looking For Ms. Mensch

By Liz Morrison

When I turned forty I decided it was time to make more Jewish friends. As an East Coast transplant to Southern California, I realized that I had sold out for good weather. At home, there were good delis, good bagels, and lots of Jews. Here, we had an average temperature of 75 degrees, one good deli, and a much smaller gay Jewish community. I was warm but lonely.

I had not clicked romantically with any Jewish women. Either they were too much like my mother, or I was too much like my mother when I was with them, or we had nothing else in common except being Jewish. I had spent all of my serious relationships, all two of them, with gentile women. They were very nice people, but after several years of Christmas trees and Easter hams, I was ready for some latkes and a change.

At first I thought I'd try the personal ad route. I placed an ad in the local Jewish paper under "Seeking Friends". For some reason, the paper would accept gay ads but not create a category for us. I gave an email address as the way to contact me. If the person could at least put together a grammatically correct sentence, and knew how to use their email program, I'd agree to meet them for coffee. I had some excruciating blind dates, but I was not going to give up. Even when I'd come home after another disappointing evening, I knew the right Jewish woman was out there. I just hadn't met her yet.

It was because of my friend Paula that I met my partner, Ellen. Paula, a nice gay Jewish lawyer, decided that she wanted more Jewish women friends. Ellen and I did not move within the same circle but, because the lesbian community is so small, we knew each other well enough to say hello in passing. Paula thought the three of us should get to know each other better. Since Paula was already in a relationship, I figured this was a fix up.

The three of us met for a drink and then went out for dinner. After initial jitters, I felt really comfortable with Ellen. She was bright, funny, and very easy to talk to. I flirted shamelessly with her. She flirted back. We discovered we had a lot of things in common. We both drove Miatas and we both visited Provincetown every summer. Oddly enough, that year we had both planned our upcoming Provincetown vacations the same week.

At the end of the evening I gave Ellen my business card. I was really excited about getting to know her. She promised to mail me a copy of Miata Magazine, telling me this was something all Miata owners must read. I was hoping it was just a good excuse to contact me again. I asked her to email me if she wanted to "hit some golf balls or something." I didn't want to appear too eager. Even though I knew there was energy between us, I didn't want to set myself up to be disappointed.

She mailed me the next day and we began a correspondence. A day later the Miata Magazine came to my office with a note that said she enjoyed spending time with me at dinner. Still, we continued our correspondence via email, both of us too shy to pick up the phone. I was the brave one who, after a week of emails, finally called her at home and asked her out. The first few dates were nothing less than nerve racking. We would go out for a meal, neither of us able to eat, push the food around on our plates, and drink a lot of water.

Once we got our appetites back, the courtship was easy. Even though we didn't know each other all that well, the familiarity of our common heritage was always evident. We had similar backgrounds, both growing up on the East Coast and spending time in New England before settling on the West Coast. Our first two years together were spent blending our groups of friends, meeting each other's families, and attending services at various synagogues in order to find a good fit. We wanted a congregation that would accept us as a couple.

Now, after three years together we own a home, a Seder plate, and a temple membership. We found a wonderful Reform congregation, Temple Emanu-El in San Diego, which welcomes the gay and lesbian community. In fact, to attract more gay and lesbian Jews, they send a contingent to march in the annual Gay Pride Parade. The rabbi will perform same sex commitment ceremonies, provided both partners are Jewish.

One of the many things I love about Ellen is her commitment to Judaism. There is an unspoken connection between us because we're both Jewish, which we both felt from the beginning of our relationship. We both crave chopped liver at the same time, and we don't have to explain Yiddish expressions to each other. When we're at Shabbat services and I look over at her, I see meshpucha.

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