New Archive:
February 2001 Issue
First Comes Love, Then Comes Spirituality
By
James A. Bornstein
A few weeks ago my girlfriend and I had a discussion. It's funny how these discussions often resemble arguments, but they're not. They're discussions.
The topic of discussion this particular night was my Jewish observance. I'm at a point in my life where I feel compelled to become a more observant Jew. My natural human tendency is to expect that, just because I am ready for a change in lifestyle, my girlfriend is also ready for this change. Likewise, I became upset when she told me that she is not necessarily ready. Perhaps this is the point in the conversation where our discussion began to resemble an argument.
I woke up the next morning disturbed. Walking to synagogue, I replayed each aspect of our conversation, trying to identify the point at which our discussion soured. Placing my thoughts on hold, I tried to enjoy the service. I was even honored with an aliyah (a call to the Torah).
Following the reading of the Torah, I impulsively decided to join a timid group of individuals to meet with the Rabbi. The group was composed of non-Jews interested in Judaism and Jews who felt as if they lacked a formal connection to their faith.
As a committed Jew myself, I wasn't quite sure why I had decided to sit in on the discussion, but I decided to stay. Each person in the group took a moment to explain what compelled them to pass through the doors of the synagogue that particular morning. One middle-aged man enthusiastically described his newfound interest in Judaism. Suddenly, however, the fervent tone of his voice downshifted into a much more sedate gear. He explained that his wife did not share his enthusiasm for Judaism.
Immediately my eyes shot up, and the relatively still conversation sprung to life. What was, at first, a somewhat bland discussion began to resemble a class of overeager second graders. A cloud of hands stretched toward the ceiling, each person itching to respond.
This man had clearly touched upon a very emotional and universal issue--How can we build mutually rewarding spiritual relationships with our significant others?
In my mind, building a relationship is like building a house, necessitating a great deal of time, energy, and resources. A foundation is poured, walls are erected, insulation is added, a roof is built, plumbing is installed, and an electrical system is put into place.
Once the heavy construction is complete, we inhabit the new house, which at first seems barren, and perhaps even foreign and uncomfortable. Something is missing. So we begin to decorate our new home with artwork, familiar photographs, and curtains. Only now do we consider this house a home.
As I discovered that morning, for many people, a relationship lacking spirituality is like a home with bare walls. Until we decorate our homes--until we find spirituality in our relationships--we are not completely content. We feel as if something is missing from our lives.
How do we go about filling this void?
One way of dealing with the situation is getting a new significant other. But a reactionary approach such as this is like burning down our house because we don't like the color of the walls.
It makes a lot more sense to visit the local paint store before we calls the demolitionists.
Finding spirituality in our relationship should not be nearly as complicated as laying the foundation to the relationship itself. The act of building is strenuous, whereas the act of decorating, or finding spirituality, should be an exciting experience where a couple shops for a motif, and agrees upon a style that is mutually enjoyable.
In fact, what most couples searching for spirituality don't realize is that they already possess the most important spiritual tool--love.
Judaism teaches us to celebrate our humanness. What does this mean? It means we must appreciate the fact that our lives are not governed by primitive instincts. There is more to our human existence than just eating, sleeping, and reproducing.
What makes us unique is our human ability to experience an enormous spectrum of emotions. Each emotion, therefore, is a direct celebration of our humanness. Even the most painful feelings known to man are beautiful on some level, because they are representative of what it means to be human. We feel pain, suffering and loss, yet we also feel compassion, grace and love.
The understanding that these emotions are uniquely human is a spiritual experience in and of itself. Each emotional experience is full of spiritual energy that can be channeled throughout the entirety of our bodies. Once we begin to experience the spirituality behind each of our emotions, we can apply this spirituality to our relationships.
The question, therefore, is not how do we build spiritual relationships. We know we possess spiritual potential simply because we have the unique human ability to experience so many emotions. The real question is, how can we use Judaism to channel our spiritual potential into our lives and the lives of those closest to us? In other words, how can we express our spirituality in Jewish ways?
Living a spiritual Jewish life is taking the time to stop and smell the roses. We know we love our significant others, but how often do we stop and concentrate fully on the power of that emotion as a uniquely human trait? Couples must find a context that is right for them in order to let this process work. Just as we bring home wallpaper samples and hold them against the wall, we must experiment with different methods to express our spirituality with each other.
Most importantly, we must be willing to make the journey as a couple. Rather than telling each other what it is we need and want, instead we must ask our significant others to join us in our spiritual pursuits.
Clearly it will take time for our spiritual relationships to mature to a point where we have found many mutually enjoyable spiritual experiences. In the meantime, however, we can focus on the one spiritual experience that we know we have in common--our love for each other.
James
Bornstein recently graduated from Skidmore College and is now working as
Program Associate for the Wilstein Institute of Jewish Policy Studies in
Boston, MA.
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